I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All the doctor said was why
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
