I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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