He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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