Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
