After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
