the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
