Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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