I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
