Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
