yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just cut my nipple shaving
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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