Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
