Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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