You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
