im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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