I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
