I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize