awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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