I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
