How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
