i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My bed smells like the plague
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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