if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
