rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
