It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
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