Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
