My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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