That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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