I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
