sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
