Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
