she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
