Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
