dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
