I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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