I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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