Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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