If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
its not stalking. its research.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
