I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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