but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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