he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
