I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
