so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
