apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
that's an acceptable place to lick
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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