Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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