i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize