I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
