Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
