I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
