North Korea, Best Korea!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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