I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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