he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
