My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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