I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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