I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
