I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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