a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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