dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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