I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
