Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
