Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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