Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
