she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
