You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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