Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
