I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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