I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
