I could make wine with my vomit
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
